Gratitude

"All is well." Truth.

47.12 Your Voice In My Head

I found this memoir fascinating in an absolutely voyeuristic way. It is part testimonial and confession about depression and suicide, and part thank you to the man who brought her back.  Dr. R sounds like a wonderful man and her gratitude for having known him is palpable.  He dies suddenly and the loss is profoundly sad for everyone who knew him.  I actually felt like it was a real breakthrough for her to recognize that she wouldn’t be the only one to feel his loss with such intensity. She tells of her many relationships with men who all seem to be somewhat famous, the most significant being with a well known actor. I am a bit uncomfortable with the fact that she uses this as a major plot point, but it also is what it is.  That particular relationship was intense for her regardless of who he was, but I also couldn’t shake the slight feeling that maybe is was a bit of a way to get sales.  It is a stream of consciousness that at times may try a bit too hard, but also made me feel connected to her crazy and yet more normal at the same time.

I learned from her and Dr R that we all need help.  We need to have someone to talk to freely.  We need to forgive others and ourselves. We all lose people and have regrets. We will all be lost to someone else. This to me is not sad or bad it is hopeful. The whole book felt hopeful.

And then she gave me this:

            “I am not being hopeful about this when I say my last thoughts will be of love. I remember it.  If you have ever lost someone the way I tried to go, I can assure you to the best of my experience that as despairing as they were, the hell they were in, whatever caused them to swallow the pills or tie the noose, to fill their pockets with rocks and step into the water, before going under, their final thoughts are of love.”

I will be forever grateful.